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“Resiliency is accepting your new reality, even if it is less good than the one you had before.” – Elizabeth Edwards

As many of you know, my full time job is in the Air Force as a nurse.  We have all kinds of training that is required every year; one of them being “Wingman” Training.  The military lifestyle definitely has a higher than normal stress level and rates of depression, suicide and divorce are higher than our civilian counterparts. We take a half day to focus on our co-workers and discuss the importance of recognizing signs of distress and helping each other out.  One of our topics was on resiliency.  The question was, what is it about you that makes you resilient?  I can honestly say I had just come back from a week of vacation, had a ton of work to catch up on and really didn’t put any thought into it at the time.  However, later that week I found myself thinking about it.

Resilience, as defined by good old Merriam-Webster, is “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change”.   I agree with the definition, except for the word “easily”.  Just to be clear, I’m not a therapist, nor the creator of the word…these are just my thoughts.  In my line of work as a clinical case manager, I work with a lot of service members that have had traumatic injuries, to include, loss of limbs, bad backs/necks, chronic pain and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD); and I see a lot of resiliency…but by no means is it easy.  I watch people go through month after month of physical therapy, steroid injections, surgeries and more rehab; sometimes only to be told it is as good as it is going to get, when they continue to have pain.  I’ve seen people in excellent health have an injury they think they will quickly recover from, only to find out it is not going to heal enough for them to remain in the military and now they are facing an unexpected early retirement.  I have watch people patiently wait while their care is delayed because of an administrative process glitch and now insurance is not covering their care.  I have heard loved ones say, “I don’t know who this person is”, when their loved ones come back from a traumatizing deployment and cannot sleep/manage anger/concentrate; and the stress they endure adjusting to this new person.  I have heard the frustration these service members endure because they had a traumatic event and now cannot sleep, get angry easily, have difficulty organizing thoughts and try their best to muddle through life, until the situation gets desperate.

They are, in my definition, resilient.  It has been, by far, easy.  Some of them struggle every single day just to get out of bed….but they do it.  They have amputations, learn to function with prosthetics and are working out in the gym; they have strained body parts and faithfully go to rehab 3 x’s/week to get stronger; they have been mentally broken, cope with alcohol, shut out their families, nearly given up on themselves…yet they find the strength to get help knowing they will never be like they were before their deployment, but will fight like hell to put as much of their life back together as they can.

This is resilience.

I’ve seen it with my non-military friends too.  The dear friend I watched as she used alcohol to cope with multiple life stressors.  As she went to a dry out and then rehab, only to be consumed again by drinking, I feared she was not going to be able to over come it.  Yet, somewhere she found the strength and after a year of battle she finally got control of the horrible disease and her life back.  Another friend of mine was the spouse of a severe alcoholic that had passed away due to severe seizures while detoxing.  Her love was strong enough to raise their two children and cope with his disease.  And now she continues to amaze me as she excels at raising her two children as a single mother.  My close friend that handled the load as parent, full time worker, spouse, housekeeper and anything else that popped up while her husband battle cancer and then bipolar disorder.  Not to mention, in between all that, the loss of a business and severe financial struggles…and she still managed to have kind words, smile on her face and positive outlook, no matter how tough her situation became. My family member that lost a child in a freak accident, but was able to move forward and is now happily preparing for the birth of their third child.

This is resilience.

What got them through? Well, I believe it’s a compilation of things (again, just my thoughts)…mental toughness/discipline, support and love from family and friends and the sheer desire to live a good life.  Training for deployment is suppose to assist in one’s ability to survive (physically and mentally) during deployment…but no amount of training can prepare anyone for some of the thing these service members have experienced or witnessed.   With or without training, there exists a mental toughness.  The unconditional love and support of family and friends and the internal will goes a long way in successfully overcome misfortune .  But where does this mental toughness and will come from?

I wish I had the answer…it’s different for everyone.  Maybe, it is looking at their child or spouse and wanting so badly to be there for them.  Maybe, they get their strength in honor of those that were not as resilient.  Maybe, it is their faith that pulls them through. Maybe, deep down inside, they know they have more to offer this world.

I ask myself, how am I resilient?  Well, I have been in tough situations before…but nothing traumatic compared to some of my fellow service members and friends.  So, I’m really not sure how resilient I truly am.  However, in the tough situations I’ve been in what has gotten me through is my family, close friend, good old fashion determination (or stubbornness, whatever you want to call it) and knowing that I only have one shot to make this the best life possible.

Yes, people are resilient…but I wouldn’t say one “adapts easily”.  I say it is a long, difficult and often dark road a person goes down.  However, somewhere in that darkness they find a speck of light to hold on to and have the strength and a belief strong enough to make that light grow.

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Donna Hoffmeyer